| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2005|01:21 am] |
meh....weird day
Mom came home from Toledo and dad was sleeping on the couch...she got pissed and offended that he slept on the couch
I told my mother "While you were out having fun for 3 days he was here working doubles and working hard"
she said "When he goes away in june for 5 days thats what I will be doing"
I said "Then when he gets home you will be tired as well, possibly sleeping on the couch"
She didnt believe me, she didnt listen to me...I dont care, I never do anymore. I just dont understand why my parents cant get along anymore, its hard seeing them like this when all my life I never really saw them to begin with, but when I did, they were always happy...
Ever since this fucking restraunt opened, reguardless of intentions reguardless of what it will benifit me of, it ruined my home life and it ruined my family...selfish or not fuck you...I lost the most important thing to myself and its never going to be the same
I only make it worst by crashing the car even though I didnt mean to. Things are so obscene and weird I cant take it. One day is awesome, everyone is happy, and I enjoy myself for one day, and its fun. Then the next day rolls around, it just seems like everytime I feel like my life got together, something ruins it.
I had a good time, going to Lifeskills in akron everyday, driving there, then driving to work, seeing my friends sometimes. Freedom, all the time...Some woman had to be late for work that day, I had to be late for work, and I had to not see her and she had to hit me...There goes my happiness for now. Stuck without a car and I HATE it more than anything when people drive me around because I feel like a worthless peice of trash sittinf in a seat being told where im going and it drives me nuts.
MY father and mother, arent happy anymore, my two sisters I dont see enough to tell. Even my dog is deressed because of the way we are all leaving him home, I feel bad for him. Everytime I pass the fucking restraunt I want it to burn to the ground, but that wouldnt make my family back to the way it was, it is never coming back and I just need to accept that. It is hard to accept that when you see the only thing you ever cherished in your life fall apart right in front of your eyes...and no matter how hard you tried to keep it together, something just RIPS it out of your reach and teases you that it wont ever be the same from when it was in your reach
Oh well, just have to keep on living one day at a time and keep on living. Humans are such amazing creatures to be able to handle everything, and get up the next day and do it all again.
I hate this world sometimes, but most of the time, im so happy I am living here and experiencing life through my eyes and my mind...looking at other people, like my friends and my family, well, whats left of it, and just everything, its amazing
Ok, im done...bye |
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| Wow, im updating |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|11:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | wow...just wow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sur F A C I N G - Slipknot | ] |
Yeah yeah, look at me everyone...im updating, isnt this a joyous day for all of us
Meh, didnt want to because my day was shitty and all im going to do is rant about how bad my day was and im going to sound emo *shivers* so if you dont want to read on, then this is your chance
Well, the day started off with my mom yelling at me like always to get out of bed then I go to school, boring as school is, then I get home and my father doesnt say hi to me. Mind you my father is my life idle, I love him more then anyone and he is like my god. He just yells at me anymore because he is so stressed with the restraunt. I probably get to see him once a week now, because hes either sleeping, gone, or on the phone and cant talk to me
Work was ok, went over to the other restraunt for an hour and helped clean up because they were having trouble, but its all good
One friend I want to help the most I cant because they *wont insert gender* are having problems out of my control which I wish I could put into control, but that is just making me sad and on top of the day it was just stressful
Other then that my life has been like everyone elses...school, work, get paid, blow it, start the next week over the same way.
ok, im done...bye |
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| philosophy |
[Jan. 13th, 2005|12:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  peaceful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Vermilion part 2- Slipknot | ] |
well, im in a philisophical mood and im listening to vermilion part 2..I love this song
anyway, here it goes
This earth was created to be here for all humans, and all objects of life. As a desk or a table, they are all equally necessary. Humans are no better then a desk or a table, we all have equal exsistance and we all have equal necessities in life.
This earth was also created for the soul purpose of us to learn and become more wise beyond our years. Some ass holes may think they know everything, but really they are new to life and they dont understand the concept of life and how beautiful it can be.
for people who are depressed, or people who have bad parents...they all chose to have that before they were born so they could learn from it and experience it just to see how it would be, and most of them do a really good job handling it.
The human emotions were created in such a complex way and whoever created this place created that for a reason, and that is for us to never find all human emotion because emotion for a human is limitless, emotion for a being on this earth is limitless. Existence as we know it has no limit on the possibilities of what can happen. Even if the world were to blow up or disappear, humans would always be living, somewhere that isnt in existance except for when we think of that thing, it then exists.
That is part of my philosophy and part of Toms, we had a long talk last night about philosophy and about god and how we thought of god. I wont explain that because I know that people are religious and I dont want to offend them, if you wish to know...just ask |
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| wowness |
[Jan. 6th, 2005|02:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | your mom | ] |
today is a god damned snowday...did our super intendent up and die on us? we NEVER have school off...oh well, school or no school, I still have to work....now I know how my daddy and mommy feel
I get to take my drivers exam SATURDAY....get up at 8:00...eat...take the exam, go home for like 2 hours and then go to work from 1:00 until like 10:00...then I get to maybe go out and go to kevins house for a LAN partay?
yeah...brian is going to boarding school and that sucks major scrotums because he is our guitarist and like my best friend....fuck
thats all to update for now
fagpies |
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| Woop |
[Jan. 1st, 2005|02:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | uhhhhh.....:D | ] |
| [ | music |
| | gawrhadtjzdtuxux-zdhjzejej | ] |
man, worked 24 hours in 3 days...thats a record for me...
HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!!!!
I spent mine at the restraunt and watched the ball drop on one of the plasma screens at the restraunt, lol...I didnt get out of work until 1...9 fucking hours I worked.
oh well
im bored out of my mind and im going to watch dodgeball after I finish updating this thing
I made alot of money and stuff but ok....going to go watch dodgeball now, bye |
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| Somewhat of a good day |
[Dec. 29th, 2004|03:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exanimate | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Vermilion-Slipknot | ] |
Well, it started out with me waking up at 8:30 and my dad yelling at me to get out of bed...sounds like a damn school day
After that I had my LAST INCAR today...so I am going to go get my lisence in a week or 4...Then after that I came home and found out that my cell phone was activated
I call him Celly^^*hugs celly*
Bad thing about today is me and my mom got into a fight and she slapped me 3 times so smacked her back in the face and my whole family is treating me like I am the worst person in the world...oh well, I really dont care...it just means more people can leave me in my room
Today isnt so bad right now, I like my ipod alot, and I really havent been playing guitar lately...taking a small break...I have nothing to learn XD...
I found a new song by slipknot I love...Vermilion and Vermilion part 2
I am acctually going to learn that now :D..hip hip horray
maybe my family will start to hate me and cast me from their lives...that would be cool....not really
But im glad everyone else is having a fine day, its like 40 degrees |
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| HAHA |
[Dec. 26th, 2004|01:46 am] |
this worked out awesome...now that no one likes me, I can go back to being anti social and staying in my room talking to brian all the time...life doesnt get much better then this
yep yep you can all go have your fun and do your thing...
sooooo you can all suck my dick^^
just kidding...no one wants to do that....ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
but yeah...no one likes me and im happy with that....soooooooo
I also talk to zack and kevin...and christine, and ryan, and...*looks down* Little billy...oh wait, little billy isnt so little anymore....*pop*
DONT GET FAT GET A SUBWAY |
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| Meh... |
[Nov. 18th, 2004|10:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Story of the year- Until the day I die | ] |
Yeah its been a while but I feel like I wanna write somewhere so here I am...writing
Meh...rumors suck, too many people are saying I want rachael just to have sex with and that isnt it because I have never in my life done that to a girl and I think that is just plain wrong. I know guys who do that and it sickend me that they even get a girlfriend. Meh, maybe people just hate me for going out with her, maybe Rachael doesnt even like me and is hinting her friends to tell me off so I dump her or something...I dont know
Life has been sort of hard with my parents running their new god damned restaraunt that they are too busy for their children (me and my sister)...its tough to be 16 alone everyday. Hopefully it will slow down, but until then ill just try to keep my head up high and think the best I can think.
Oh well I guess we just go through these times to test our weaknesses that havent yet developed in life and are deemed necessary to grow at this apparent time (yeah that was gay)
But yeah, I hope everyone is doing good because I am just fine and that isnt a strech from the truth
If ive been treating you so bad Rachael im sorry that I am and im trying to be as nice as I can be and as good a person I can be |
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| Crashing |
[Jul. 11th, 2004|11:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | pessimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dead Bodies everywhere- Korn | ] |
Latly my life has been sort of going downward in a spiral. Just continues to get worst and worst with everything that im doing to stay happy and appear to be happy from everyone...which is why I dont understand why im writing here, but I will anyway
My father a couple of nights told me to go to hell, now many of you may not think thats so bad, but my father is someone I look up too and love and for someone like that to tell you to go to hell...well its a big deal. Both of my parents say they're fed up with my shit and they are tired with dealing with me, my mother said ive changed, and my father doesnt have the same respect for me that he used to...my relationship with them is going down the drain
I know people think I have a good life, better then most...but really I Dont, ive got my problems I dont tell anyone..and I guess I just cant stand for everyone saying I have a good life so im updating to inform my friends of my problems...selfish, yes, bitching...yes
I wake up every morning and I feel as if im overdosing on medication to keep me concentrated on school and to stop me from falling asleep because my medicine is powerful enough to knock me out. Every morning I wake up and take 5 pills...I dunno about anyone else, but 5 pills is alot for me
My headaches wont go away, they are like a sign to tell me to stop hanging out with people and to stop exercising. I was at Hannahs party last night and I was really having fun until I started getting a horrible cough. I used to have a bad cough and I would get a sharp pain in the left side of my head which is what happened yesterday.
im starting to love darkness which people say is a bad thing. I was with brittany, sam, zack, and richie at FNS and me and Brittany were upstairs and I was looking over the railing...She asked me what was wrong, and I said to her "I wish I could fly...it would be so amazing to just be able to fly." She said she always thought that too and it wasnt good for me to be thinking that.
After my adderall, I just havent been the same with anyone or my parents...its like my parents think I changed because of medicine, they think ive become this mean person who thinks of no one but myself. My father is starting to hate the way I dress, which I really dont care but it just bothers me a little because he used to not care at all...
Thats my rant...Its all bitching and nonesense about things wrong in my life, and it may not seem dark to anyone, but this is the hell that is my life, this is the hell I live with everyday...this is MY hell, and no one else feels my hell...except me |
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| First time and the last time |
[Jun. 20th, 2004|01:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | thankful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Change the World- Eric Clampton | ] |
Well, personally im writing to describe my feelings...Things really havent been going well for me latly, not saying that to look for pity or sympathy, just saying I havent been able to do anything and have been grounded this summer. I start summer school this monday and I dont get computer priveleges...some people might like that. But nor do I get friend priveleges during the 6 weeks im at summer school.
Basically this post is saying...it was nice knowing all of you and I wont be seen for the next 6 weeks...unless you probably see me at a grocery store or something.
anyway...besides my life
I have been told frequently abot lifes and about how bad some peoples are...well I know of one persons life that is worst then anyone I know...
When people are born into their lives, unfourtionatly they cannot choose what life they are given. Some gave good lives and enjoy it, some have bad lives and enjoy it, some have good lives and hate it, and some have bad lives and hate it. I dont know what point I am trying to prove here but when someone has a bad life, they could still be happy.
take me for example. My life is a great life, I admit it. Life is really really good for me. But I hate my life, I hate it. But never have I said that my life sucks because it doesnt, no one has ever seen me write or heard me say life sucks, maybe in a joke or something. I have never proven my point to anyone that just because of the luxeries you have around you are good, that doesnt mean you will be happy. I know of some people who have no priveleges at all and constantly get yelled at and are never respected but still get up everyday and are happy for everyone.
Lives I think are about 90% of what you make of it and 10% of the people that influence it. Most people make their lives out to be the worst lives in the world, I think I may do that at times, sorry if I do but others who complain and bitch about their lifes...stop the next time you do and take a look around you of what YOU have and what OTHERS dont have.
I fit in that catagory but I dont bitch about my life and neither do most of my friends, who happen to be all the people that have some of the worst lives but still continue to get up and be happy for everyone else and are still happy with themselves...
I have been told before my opinions and outlooks suck...so those who comment, say whatever you want. It wont bother me at all...
Life is how it is...Live with it and find a way to deal with it
That is what all my friends do...everyday
you guys are all the best
Friends forever |
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| well damn |
[Jun. 16th, 2004|12:25 am] |
forget it, I was gonna update about my life...but HAHAHHAHAHA....no
I guess I dont feel like filling out this blank page with my thoughts or outlooks on life..I think...but technically I am typing an outlook right now
im a fuckin hypocrite (SPELLING).....
FUCK FUCKETY FUCK FUCK FUCK
R4PE R4D4M!!!
ANAL COCK OFF
SEXUALITY IS FUN
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A BITCH WHEN...
MAIMING PEOPLE IS COOL
DONT DO PEOPLE...DO DRUGS
DONT GET FAT...GET A SUBWAY
DONT DODGE CARS THEY WILL DODGE YOU
BUTTSEX IS FOR N00BS
DICKCREAM IS....WELL...nevermind
CONGRESS BLOWS
STRIDEX PADS...its like I had a period |
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| Observations ive heard |
[May. 22nd, 2004|01:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Halo Theme(Halo dudes) | ] |
iv heard from many people that I am being completly anti social and non-existent to all. Well I do have my reasons for doing so, and its not because I am obsessed with a game called Ragnarok which everyone seems to think so.
I was put on a medicine called Adderall(alot of people know) and well recently I have had mental breakdowns and crying spells with headaches from withdrawl pains so painful I couldnt walk straight. This medicine made me think that the things I once thought were funny...made them irritating. I hate ruining other peoples times so I am currently, until I can get my head together, completly cutting myself off from society. Sometimes not on purpose but I dont like being around people if I cant be cheerful.
I dont think anyone should miss me because they still have others to hang out with, and eachother. im sorry to all that do miss me, but I dont want people to see me in this shape.
so yeah...to thoes again im sorry but this is why I am being the way I am. Not that I hate any of you, but once my mind settles down, possibly over summer, then I will start hanging out with more people again.
Paul out..I think |
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| I think its time I posted on some shit |
[Apr. 19th, 2004|04:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Life | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tooi Kono Machide (Card Captor Sakura) | ] |
its been a while since ive written in this thing. Guess ill pick up the ol pace and dust off the LJ and write for once.
One friend I must give this post out to is Ryan. Man, im not going to say I understand everything and I understand that your feeling bad, but most of all im not going to say I KNOW and I have FELT what your going through. No one has, we all go through different things. Anyone who says they have gone through the same thing someone else has...is a liar.
You are feeling down lately, bleh I wish I could do more. Sitting and watching suffering going on is the least of my plans that I have in life. Talk to me more, you know you can trust me and I know I can trust me. I do thank god Hannah has been here all this time though. People dont give her enough credit for sticking by you and helping you out, especially for everything she does. Like a normal nice person, she gives rides and helps and helps and gives, yet even though she never gets thanks from 99.9% of us, she enjoys doing it.
Now something different, my rant about life. When we come down, I believe we choose to do what we are doing right now, we choose where were gonna go, what paths are chosen for us, by us. No one else sets thoes for us and no one else makes us choose something. Although you could always have the greatest of friends and the greatest of lovers someone could ask for. BUT the ONE single thing everyone neglects the most is there most trusty person ever.
HE is your Friend, he is your enemy. does anyone know what im talking about? Post your reply, I wanna see what people say to that question
Ryan, I dont wanna sound harsh, but tough it out. We are all behind you and were all here to help you. Your doing a really good job of toughing it out so far, just dont slow down the pace. Going to a doctor is dumb I think. They dont help you, they dont help me at least. To sit there and tell a person what problems your having is just stupid. Doctors arent any different then your friends, THERE ALL HUMAN. I am the type of person to sit and think about my problem. You seem to be the same way, only different
Dark you are yes, but purly gothic IMHO (In My Humble Opinion) you are not (god im yoda...) Truly gothic people view EVERYTHING pointless and nothing gives life meaning and nothing could give life meaning. Well, me and you prooved that people give life meaning. Everyone was sent down here and every person you see walking beside you, as you might not know it, every person teaches you something, every person...Goth, Prep, Druggie, Dumbass. THEY all teach you something about life and they all teach you a lesson, some more valuable then others.
I am a very good friend of yours, and I dont wanna stop being and I wont stop being. Just remember, even if you go to a dark place for eternity to never return, we will always find you. We as in your friends as listed
Nate, Hannah, Allison, Amber, Ben, Mary, Laura Leighty(spelling, sorry >_<), DJ, Zack, and Sam.
There is one VERY important person I left out of that list of friends, if anyone guesses it they are amazingly smart, post in comments and ill post answer in next post.
No matter where you go, no matter how long your gone, we will always find you, and we will always....be in touch, as souls have bonded, as souls have formed, stay together no matter how far you go. In true friendship, time nor distance has no means, merely the people around you and how much they care about you are the meaning of life.
no matter the contradiction, the meaning of life is to live, and is to care about the ones around you, because with out them, you cant exist
Keep toughing out life ryan, your doing good. |
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| People...Grow up |
[Mar. 2nd, 2004|08:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Halo Theme(Halo dudes) | ] |
Look now...I am going out with sam. You people need to accept the fact. This isnt directed towards anyone who I know, and you know I know that you are fine with it...you know who you are if your ok with it.
Seriously, this whole richie thing. Just one thing to Sam, ignore him, rumors are rumors. I am not taking action....you can hate him and everything, but please dont carry it on. Please...do it for me? :)
Now as for Richie. I have nothing against you. I really dont understand this whole rumor stuff. If you think or feel that ive stolen Sam from you, then im sorry. From what I have done, I have put no restrictions on Sam too you or anyone else at that matter. You have had free time to hang out with her and go places with her.
Now I am not pointing fingers at anything or anyone, just people, please dont make this into another huge fight thingey. I dont know who started these rumors, and personally I dont care. If I dont care then no one else should care because these rumors are ABOUT ME. Thats all, you can care if you wish 2, sam I think you have a good reason to just because richie was your friend, but I just dont want this to turn into a big deal, please. I beg people not 2, I am happy for once in weeks, I want it to stay this way.
I love sam alot...alot alot alot alot. I hope shes happy, acctually I know shes happy. but yeah
on another note. I am going to start walking home from school. I walked home with zack, although I had my headphones on and couldnt hear anything around me. It was so peaceful (Ryan moment^_~) I loved it so much.
Thats all....for now |
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| WHA UP!!! |
[Mar. 1st, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Piano Dreams (Custom Techno) | ] |
Yeah...sorry all I have been to lazy to update this damned thing...Blame it on my fingers for not typing this SOONER!!!!
I have came up with a new outcome of life (Yes, THATS RIGHT, OUT CUM!!!!) And I have developed a new quote.
"Life is baes on actions...Only influenced by words"
I dunno...maybe its the stupidest thing someone has ever read, but I think it was a pretty solid quote.
Life has gotten much better for everyone. It is starting to warm up and everyone is becoming more happier by the minute. I am really happy that everyone is happy
I do know one thing, I LOVE MY SAM!!!!!!!!!! (shes hot^^)
alright, im done, thats all for now...Remember sam, I LOVE YOU!! |
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| ... |
[Feb. 26th, 2004|06:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Shit | ] |
| [ | music |
| | some random loser | ] |
yeah....just updating, havent updated in a while...
Lifes been sorta up and down latly...I have sam and thats a definate plus...a HUGE PLUS. blah...letting some steam off?
Arguing with my parents alot and shit like that....well umm...bye |
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| I AM SO HAPPY!!!!! |
[Feb. 17th, 2004|10:29 pm] |
I GOT A NEW G/F!!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG....someone I can hold, someone I can care for... I am so happy right now, no one knows my feelings right now^^
IM JUST SO DAMN HAPPY OMG!!!!
oh yeah....my new g/f is SAM....I love her!!!!
I am going to be so happy for the next.....forever. hehe. On a different note, today kicked arse for me. I have some friends over for DDR and we all just played and got rid of our shit from all weekend, yeah...shit like that^_^.
on a different note. Bock, I hope yourt feeling ok, sorry everyone was such an ass to you, I wasnt and if you need to talk ill be here. I feel really bad right now, im really sorry.
thats all for update today...BYE ALLL *happyness* |
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| ... |
[Feb. 16th, 2004|06:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pessimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kill Me (System of a Down) | ] |
yeah, I usually hate expressing my emotions...but I dont care anymore. I am feeling worthless to all. I cant really make anyone happy...im sory of starting to lose the feeling of having a meaning or a purpose in life.
I hope ill get over it, but I find no one I can make happy, and everyone who I used to, dont see me as even a speck in their eye. life sucks right now, at least for me.
I hope life is good for all of you, because I dont want anyone to end up like me
umm...yeah bye
be happy....
everyone |
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| you wanna know my mood |
[Feb. 13th, 2004|03:33 pm] |
everyone wants to know my mood...even if you dont...well here it is...
FUCK YOU!!!!!!
yeah...thats it, today fucking sucks, Valentines day sucks, I cant even spell that right.
YEAH...LIFES THE BEST...fuck you |
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